If I could just [insert your thing here], life would finally be awesome
Sorry to disappoint you
When I was in high school, I sincerely believed that all my problems would disappear if I could just lose 10 pounds. I would get a boyfriend, wear all the cute clothes from the juniors section that didn’t fit me, make friends with the popular kids, and life would be awesome.
After I graduated college (about 10 pounds lighter than I was in high school and convinced I needed to lose 10 more), I thought that anyone who earned $40k per year must have tons of extra money. So when I got my first corporate job earning slightly more, I thought all my money problems would disappear. I’d pay off my student loans, take sweet vacations, buy the expensive jeans at Macy’s, and life would be awesome.
In my late 20s, I hated my job (but hey! I made a lot more than $40k per year). I thought that if only I could find a way to work remotely for a company I believed in, all my work/life happiness issues would resolve themselves. I would love my job, feel fulfilled at work, make a difference in the world, and life would (finally!) be awesome.
In my early 30s, I had a sweet remote job with a mission-driven company, yet I suffered profound anxiety. I felt deeply flawed and fundamentally broken, the polar opposite of the creative, confident, competent person I presented to the world. On June 22, 2016, I wrote in my journal:
I am turned inside out. I am all the things I don’t want to be. I am scared, raw, vulnerable, ashamed, sad, upset, betrayed, cowering, bristling, veritably shimmering with all the parts of myself that I try so hard to hide.
All the things I don’t want to be. I’ve never forgotten that phrase. In The Wisdom of No Escape, Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön writes:
Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, and therefore it doesn’t do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness.
I am all the things I don’t want to be. I will always be all those things. I couldn’t be myself without them.
This is not an easy or straightforward realization. I still struggle with the parts of myself I don’t like. I chase unrealistic goals and hold myself to impossible standards. I feel like an imposter sometimes a lot.
But I try to remember that fixing (or more accurately, changing) one thing about my life won’t fix everything. Because there is nothing about me — or you — that needs fixing.
There is no awesome “someday” out there when, scrubbed of every last imperfection, I will finally step into the golden light of happiness and fulfillment. There is no rainbow to chase, no pot of gold waiting at the end.
It’s all already right here.
It’s here for you, too.
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Right you are, my dear Robin! I giggled a little when I read this, because I wrote a similar thought (if I lose this much weight, then my life will be okay) for my post that's publishing tomorrow. How did we ever get wired this way? Less is more, and more is better. Oy vey. xoxo
This letter hit home. Been battling that a lot this year. Thank you for sharing.