21 things that are way, way worse than failure
Such as getting eaten by an alligator
How many hours of your life have you spent trying to avoid the pain of failure?
Personally, I’ve lost count. (Years. It’s probably years).
I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about all the times I was terrified I’d fail, and how most of those times, I actually did pretty well, and sometimes I succeeded spectacularly, and even when I did fail in the short term, it was never as bad as I feared it would be, and I usually learned something that served me well in the long term.
Yet ask my hindbrain about failure, and it will immediately reply:
GAAAAHH FAILURE IS THE WORST AND WE’LL NEVER SURVIVE IT AND OHMYGOD LET’S GO HIDE UNDER A BLANKET FOREVER!!!
This fear has become oh so present for me lately, so I’ve been trying to gently disagree with my hindbrain’s interpretation. I offer facts, flow charts, a veritable dissertation of lived experience proving that failure is both survivable and not actually the worst.
Spoiler: it’s not working very well.
Lying in bed last night, I had a random thought: “You know what’s worse than failure? Getting eaten by an alligator.”
Oh! my hindbrain said. Oh, you’re right! And it chuckled to itself, and we both went to sleep.
I think I’m onto something. Now, every time I start to ruminate on failure, I think to myself, At least I’m not getting eaten by an alligator! And my hindbrain and I have a little giggle together, and then we get on with our day.
So, just for fun, here’s a non-exhaustive list of 21 things that are, unlike failure, objectively THE WORST. May they help your hindbrain as much as they have mine:
Getting eaten by an alligator.
Forgetting to wash your hands after chopping hot peppers and accidentally rubbing your eye.
Following a will o’ the wisp deep into the marshes and getting hopelessly lost.
Middle school in the ‘90s.
Shapewear.
Bed bugs.
Tape worms.
Dive bar restrooms.
Being so talented you anger a goddess, and she turns you into a spider.
Slipping on a wet patch and falling on your butt in front of three cute French guys who give you a weird look and do not come over to help you up (true story).
Being seduced by a terrible rake and then, because you’re the daughter of an Earl and there are rules about these things, having to marry that rake (of course, you don’t yet realize a Happily Ever After awaits you in the wings).
Running out of regular coffee and being forced to drink decaf. 😱
Pointless meetings.
Pointless meetings where you have to keep video on.
Giving mortals the gift of fire because it’s cold outside FFS, only to be chained to a cliff and have your liver eaten by an eagle, regrow, and get eaten again every day for the rest of eternity.
Being promised free wifi on a flight, only to discover that your coupon code doesn’t work, and you have to pay anyway.
Getting an itch in an unmentionable place and being unable to scratch it in public.
Showing up to senior prom and learning that your nemesis has the same outfit as you… and wears it better.
Noticing a terrible smell in your house and being unable to locate the source.
Being cursed by your evil stepmother into unending sleep because she just can’t handle the fact that you’re prettier than she is.
Receiving a marriage proposal in which your paramour is generously willing to overlook your obvious social inferiority.
And a bonus one that’s actually kinda serious: never giving yourself the opportunity to experience the joy of sharing your heart’s work with the world.
What would you add? Fun and serious answers welcome!
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Lovin’ the list- glad to note that both itchy bits and evil stepmothers made the list. As it should be in this unfair universe of ours. 🦹♀️You could argue that shapewear feeds into the itchy unmentionable parts issue, and that they are thus connected 🩲
Scheduling an informational meeting with a potential co-worker and them not showing: did I write down the wrong time? Did I go to the wrong place? Did they forget? 😳